There are many benefits to having a blog. One benefit of having my style of blog is the safety net it provides my kids.
My cherubs are still young. In their eyes, I’m simply their Mum. They don’t quite see me as a whole person yet. They are slowing grasping the concept that I do have interests, passions and a little life outside of just being their Mum. It’s very adorable watching them grow to understand that we are people just like them.
The relationship we build with our kids is something unique. It’s not tangible. If I had to sit and describe it to a complete stranger, I feel the words I would use would simply be inadequate.
If I was to discuss it with my kids, the words would be adequate. The love and bond we share would put the right level of meaning behind those words.
When I was a teenager, I met a lovely Mum who was fighting cancer. She was getting her hair done in my Mum’s salon. My Mum quietly pulled me to the side and explained that she was writing birthday cards to her daughters and she shouldn’t be interrupted. I must have had a puzzled look on my face. Mum continued to explain that she was writing cards for her daughters’ future birthdays because she might not be here for them. As a teenager, I listened. Took the moment in. I didn’t have the complete emotional maturity to digest the situation. I had empathy and sympathy. But the gravity of the situation didn’t hit me.
Many years and a couple of kids later, this moment is burned into the forefront of my mind!
If I was gone tomorrow I want to be there for my kids. I would want my kids to hear my words. In my voice. In our love language, in their time of need. I know everyone around them would comfort them, love them, care for them and tell them everything they wanted to know about me. But what about what I want to tell them? I have words that would comfort them. I have words I want them to hear from me.
I am blessed to have a husband that would continue to live life with our kids the way we have chosen if something happened to me. I trust everything he does and knows the kids would be happy forever with him by their side.
But I want to give them something, something that might just ease the pain if the unimaginable happens. A letter. A letter from me to each one of my kids. To open when they are hurting most.
Thinking about such a heart-wrenching topic isn’t easy. I plan on being here for a long, long time! I’m young, healthy and want to be that old duck in the nursing home terrorising everyone for the hell of it. But life doesn’t always go to plan. Things can happen and they can happen suddenly.
So I have written two letters to my kids. I can tell you I have never, ever, EVER done something as difficult as putting those words on paper.
The tears I shed were hot, heavy and the entire experience was emotionally exhausting. I’m actually fighting the tears as I’m typing this. Reliving it brings back the ache in my heart.
The hardest part of completing a task like this is acknowledging your child’s pain. You have to write as if you are no longer here. You have to put yourself in their shoes and give them the words you want them to hear.
Starting out I thought the two letters would be very similar. But they are polar opposites! It made me realise I communicate very differently with my two kids. I love them both deeply and equally. However, the way I converse with them on a deeper level is unique to them. If I was gone tomorrow and family and friends read the letters, they would know this and I know it would help them, help my kids.
I wanted to share with you two paragraphs. One from each letter. Just to see what love and comfort can be given, if we just make the time to put it together:
Bad things happen and they hurt. But they must not define who you are, or stop you from becoming who you are destined to be. They are a moment in time. Let yourself grieve, heal and slowly move out of the darkness and back into the light. Death is not an ending, our love is eternal and our love story will be continued in the future. But for now, it’s to be lived slightly apart.
Life is a beautiful journey and heartache is part of that journey. I wish it wasn’t but it is. I hope that I have shown you the wonderful love that can happen and that you deserve. Never let the sadness, heartache, and anger define who you are, or change the path you are destined to take. You are the most amazing person. Every day I look into your beautiful blue eyes and thank the universe that you chose me to be your Mumma.
Both letters are long! They have comforting words. A few funny moments. Memories and lots of hopes and dreams for the future. Everything I want them to know I put in those letters!
The next difficult thing I had to do was tell my husband about the letters. Where they are located and why I had written them. Very difficult indeed, but essential. It’s one thing to write them. Talking about them out loud with an enormous lump in your throat, fighting back tears is another. My husband knowing me too well, listened, said “ok”, was quiet for a brief moment and thankfully changed the topic with a smile in his voice.
I do cry when I re-read the letters. I’m actually having difficulty finishing this post. However, the experience has left me feeling oddly calm and happy. I have been looking at the kids very differently since writing the letters. I speak to them differently. It makes you appreciate everything you have. Just as it is.
I plan to re-do these letters in a few years. I won’t throw these ones out. I will write new letters to go with these ones. More words the better. Another letter is just another comforting layer.
It doesn’t matter how old you are, how old your kids are, making the time to do this for them is something you will never regret. You are the person they will need if you are gone. You can give them what they need to get them through. Trust me you will feel amazing after the experience.
So I’m blessed to have my blog to show my kids who I am as an adult when they are ready to see it. They will probably get a little embarrassed about it when they’re teenagers. It’s a fantastic way for them to see who I am and what I’m all about outside of their little kingdoms. If the unthinkable happens and I am not with them. They will also have words from me in our special language to have with them forever.
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